Lost

So last night we went to karaoke with my inlaws and friends of theirs and one other new guy. I think I only said 30 words last night, I was withdrawn and using my hair to hide. Normally in a social setting such as this would be very comfortable for me, but because we haven’t seen his family in so long I felt disconnected. Now, my relationship with my sister-in-law has always been a weird one. She is a bitch and really thinks of no one but herself, she is not a good person even though she claims to be. I just find myself withdrawing from everyone because I don’t want to be around people, I don’t want to deal with their problems or having to put on a face because that’s the proper thing to do. Fuck people. I am not the type of person who puts on a face because that’s the thing to do, if something is wrong people know; no grey. I hate grey and trying to figure out where I am with someone because they either can’t talk to me, if you can’t talk to me Fuck You. You’re not worth my time, my energy or anything. I love those who are close to me, it’s hard to get in that friendship/family circle but once you're in you never really leave. I just want to crawl into a ball and cover with a blanket and hide from the world. It’s a cruel place and I can’t deal with the cruel people in it, I am not strong enough right now to deal with them. I am not strong enough right now to put on a face and fake being happy go lucky and everything in my life is great. Things are not great, but I can’t tell you what’s wrong either. Logistically my life is great, and I have no reason to be this way. So this is what tells me I need to get a higher dosage of anti-depressants to help me out. I have been this way before, I withdraw from everyone, my family, my friends and I hide. I have never been the person to call my family every week and see how they are doing, because well they have shown me the initiative that they want to keep in contact with me either. My in-laws are well, there. But school took over, and I need to be supportive and keep on top of things with the house because the roommate was destroying everything about us. So I’m sorry that you were not my priority, I had other things to deal with and you were not part of that. Deal with it. I really should have attempted to be in contact, but I couldn’t do everything. There is no way that I could, and I don’t know if I want to go back to Karaoke. That is not fun to me. But ask me what I do enjoy? I don’t have an answer. I don’t have a hobby, I work, take care of the house, make dinner, sleep. Then do it all over again. Also, somewhere in there I do that stupid volunteer organization and curse them every time I have to deal with it. I hate that organization, so much. Sigh.

No wonder no one reads this blog anymore.  It’s all bull shit. 

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Slowly loosing my Sanity

What makes you happy? What makes you get out of bed every morning? Both of these questions I don't have an answer to. Things have been so stressful that I have forgotten what it's like to be truly happy, and to be honest I can't remember when I was. I wanna cry but I can't. I slowly feel my sanity slipping, when I make a mistake I slam my fist down and twitch. I had a co-worker approach me and told me that this is what she was like before she had a mental breakdown and was hospitalized. I don't want to get to that point, but I don't know how to bring myself back down to being myself again. I am thinking about going to my doctor about maybe going on stress leave until my vacation in December; but an opportunity at work is holding me back. I am sworn to secrecy until it has been announced in the library then I will post it here. I don't know what to do anymore, we received notice that our second roommate may be leaving us in January which means that we need to find another roommate. I want to start looking now because it is going to take time to fill that room and the sooner we start the sooner that room will get filled and we don't need to worry about the EXTRA financial stress. Because I need more stress in my life right now....The best part though is that we just bought about $500 worth of groceries because our stupid ass roommate keeps eating at least $250 in a week in a half. He's a big boy who needs alot of food. At least he is filling my vehicle right now otherwise we would be fucked and we just filled it up on Thursday and it's almost empty; this is how much this man is fucking us. I want him out of my life and for him to never enter it again. Someone who has no respect for me, my things or my property can get out of my life and honestly die. This sounds harsh, but my brain feels like it's going to explode, I can't expell any stress because anything that I try doesn't work. How much more can I take before I mentally crack? I am a strong person; but someone who is strong can only be strong for so long (heh that rhymed). The burnt toast that I remember being is funny, happy and makes others laugh. I was proud of who I was, not self loathing and anti-social. I am thankful for my husband who pushes me to go out and talk to people because they make me forget my problems and learn about someone else. We went to some friends house last night and it was soo amazing because I laughed so hard that my gut actually hurt. That was exactly what I needed, hot chocolate and a good girl talk (who would have thunk it!). Tonight I plan on watching the show "Castle" with my husband tonight, have a cup of tea (I hope I cry) and just try to keep my mental sanity.

What helps you to relax when you have no safe haven?

When will it be Enough??

So, here I am. About three weeks away from being almost roommate free. The man is still driving us crazy and I am still so stressed out that my father asked me if I was doing drugs (which I am not and have never done). But what the saving grace is that yesterday and the day before my husband and I were cuddling in front of a movie and kicked our roommate upstairs so we could enjoy each others company. Yesterday we went to my parents condo in town here and had dinner with them and then they went home to the farm and it allowed my hubby to have complete concentration on his school. Work for me has been hell, lsat week I was pulled into my bosses office twice because of small mistakes. Nothing astromical just me not paying attention, which sadly in my job results in big mistakes. Lately I have been wondering if I am cut out to be a supervisor, lately it seems that the staff are telling me what to do instead of the other way around. But on the flip side, doesn't that mean I trained them correctly?? It's hard being a supervisor and seeing people who you would love to be friends with, but they can't seem to take you out of that role after the clock is over. Which I can understand, I would never go and have coffee with the director. I am new to being a supervisor it really has only been three years and let's face it, my "role model" isn't the greatest. I don't agree with a lot of what she does and says, but at the same time though staff listen to her. It seems that staff talk back to me more, is it because A) they feel that they can talk to me and express how their feeling or B) they don't respect me at all and deem me incapable of doing my job. Yesterday I am on the desk with my trainee and a co-worker, she asked him for help and he helped her but then needed to ask me anyway. Now, we are all helping customers at this point, my thought was "why did you ask him, instead of your trainer?". I am thinking that I am totally overthinking this and just trying to worry about something!! I mean let's face it I don't have enough stress in my life, but when will it be enough that I just finally break? At least then I can be off work for stress leave, or have a nice padded room :)

Yoga and Other Things

So some things have changed since my last post. Things are still stressful  but they are getting better, my husband and I went for a walk last week and decided what we were going to about trying to get things under control financially and with the stupid ass roomate. After much talk and gentle persuasion on my part, we agreed to evict our roomate and later discovered that he was costing us more than his rent was. So as of December first our roomate will be out. That in itself has been extremely stress relieving, almost instantly my husband and I were wrestling around again and it was soooooo good to hear his laugh again, I almost forgot what it sounded like. The money is always nice but you can't put a price on a roomate that is SERIOUSLY fiancially draining you. So that has been a postivie twist!

I have also started to get back into my Yoga again. I missed it so much and I didn't realize how much until I started doing the weird bends and realizing that I'm not 19 anymore really hit hard. I missed how bendy I was (mind you I could still do almost all the poses as I could before) and well honestly in shape. I have been trying hard not to really hate myself lately because I have really put on some weight and I hate it that when I walk I can feel the belly bounce and when I wore some really kick ass black high heels yesterday I felt like I was putting everyone in a hypnotic sense because how much my chest was moving all over the place. Today I feel like I should have tuba behind me warning everyone of a wide load coming through. This video explains it perfectly:

http://youtu.be/d0aIqx1McVI


So I have decided that I am going to get full fledged back into my Yoga and maybe eventually become an instructor that I had thought about before. I know that Yoga is not cardiovascular and is not technically a "workout" but I love to do it (except when you get choked by your breasts because you are doing forward bends, that sucks). I am NOT running though, I hate hate hate hate hate hate  hate hate hate running. I understand that some people love to do it, those people are what I like to call "crazy", or "loopy". I've done the whole running/gym thing and honestly not a fan and don't intend to ever do it again. I eventually want to do Yoga for an hour everyday as I have done before in the past, I don't know how easy that is going to be to do with how busy we are but I will try. I find that Yoga also helps me to relax, no wait it FORCES me to relax and it makes me concentrate on what I am doing not what is going on. The warrior pose is my favorite pose, it's invigorating and really forces you mentally to concentrate, perhaps I have really have had a passion all along. Maybe it took me to leave it for six years for me to realize how much it helped me mentally and made me happier to be around. I plan to get into a Yoga dieting as well and really make it part of my everyday life, and I hope that with that make me loose so much needed weight.

Spontaneous Road Trip

So today was AMAZING!! One of our friends abducted us today to take us on a road trip to the Crowsnest Pass just to get out of town. It was so awesome, we took soooo many pictures and had a blast!! It was so nice to get out of town to relax and get away from it all, we were all happy until on the way home when we all got really tired!!



This picture is me fiddling with the settings on my phone and with the beautiful waterfall behind me!!





This is my husband beside the waterfall posing for me!! My model!!




And lastly nice close up of my hubby.


I am so happy that we did this because it was such a nice breather and it made us want to go out and party!!! We didn't party, but it did end up with a nice apple pie desert!!!

Trying to be Ready

So, the more I have been thinking the more that I have decided that this is good for me. By this I mean moving to a new city, as much as it does scare me and the fact that I may need to leave my kick ass job is scary but a person needs to do things that scare them. Moving scares me, but the comforting fact is now I get to do it with the love of my life. Our roommate is still driving us crazy, but my hubby and I have talked about him and we both agreed that we are going to try and not let him to get us as, because why let someone else ruin our lives?? So we went to the big city yesterday and we went shopping and I bought some kick ass candles from Bed Bath and Beyond and we bought my hubby a new leather jacket. Which of course I think my husband looks amazing in!!! It was nice to be around happy and optimistic people, instead of the life sucks and I am an idiot mentality.

I'm sorry that this post is so blah but I am soooo tired and I really wanted to post on here. It's nice to be back blogging but I wish that more was happening that I could blog about that isn't so depressing. I don't like writing about depressing things but I am doing this for me now, no longer for everyone else. So I need to find what I am passionate about and what makes burnt toast happy, no one else. How do you find what makes you happy?

I like fat cats *love!* So I posted a picture of my beloved fat cat!!!!

Life Changes

Hello again,

I am sorry about how I have been neglecting this blog but sometimes when you need a break from things you need a break. But people are still looking at it, and that must mean I am doing something right.

I have been feeling a sense of woe, and just general unhappiness in my life. I hate where I live, as that is slowly going down the drain because of a new stupid roommate. I feel like I have done nothing with my life and I was facecreeping people today who I used to go to school with. It is amazing what some of them have done!!! I then look at my life and realize that I haven't done much other than get my education, which is going to allow me to do the things I eventually would like to do. But dammit I want it all now!!! Sadly it just takes time and everyone has different priorities, my priority when I was younger was my now husband and showing him that he can become something. Changing a life is huge, and showing them that they can do anything that they want to be is not something to overlook. But I still feel empty, I am wanting/craving more. I want to live my life and experience different things and see things. All I have experienced is Alberta, and very little travelling.

Who knows, perhaps I am undergoing a change and who I am is changing. All of my new friends that I have made seem to be all the same. Not going anywhere with their life, struggling and popping out kids. My husband and I are nothing like that, we own our house and for the most part fairly comfortable. I mean sometimes we are stupid but I mean we're still young, any mistakes we make (unless really bad) aren't going to hurt us. I do have fantastic old friends who I love and would do anything for. But it seems that the new ones just lead a different life style than us and a dear friend of mine said that "you need to surround yourself with people that you want to be like" and I am realizing just how true that statement is. If we are hanging around people where their entire life is drama, drama, drama, then your life becomes drama as well. I hate drama and I don't want to be part of it. There's drama and then there's being their for a friend, and I don't mind being their for a friend when they need it.

What I believe that is causing all of this our new stupid roommate, a "friend" of ours. He just seems to have no respect for our house, us, or anything for that matter. He just texted me asking me if I am home, and I am purposely not responding because I know that he is going to be asking me for a ride or something. I am not a fucking chaufeur, but you don't deserve my friendship if you have no respect for where I live and worked so hard to accomplish. Leaving cigarrette buds all over our lawn, coffee cups in our backyard, dishes all over the place. His constant bitching about how much his life sucks because of this divorce sucks (well if you didn't treat your wife like such shit then maybe you would be able to see your son) that really was self-inflicted. My husband and I want to move away from all of these people that use us, and are dragging us down with them. We want to move away and start fresh with new people and be more picky about our friendships.

To ANYONE who may be reading, am I being unreasonable???

Lost

Do you ever feel like you don't know who you are anymore? I feel like I have lost myself and don't know where to turn or what to do. I have been told that I dress slightly Goth, which just the word brings a immense amount of emotion. Apparently alot of the styles I love are Goth, apparently I am Goth without realizing I am. This scares me because for the longest time I always thought that the way that I dress is not really categorized into anything. As I was disgusing this with my husband he told me that he finds the style Goth very attractive, and all I could think was "I want you to find me attractive in that way". He told me that if I went "fully"Goth that he wouldn't be able to keep his hands off of me, well, I want that. I want to know that when he looks at me he thinks "I really do have the best of both worlds, a style that I love and a girl that I find attractive". Maybe this is why I am lost, I want to be attractive and desireable to him in all senses. Now I know everyone, he married you so that must say something, and it does; it says something huge. But I want to take it to the next level of being desireable to him. Because the incident in February the girl that he "fell" for was Lolita Goth, and well, apparently I am what's called "Classic Goth". I wear dark clothing and honestly feel more confident in dark clothing, and feel weird in bright colourful things. When I looked up classic goth in Google, I actually started trembling wanting to cry. Why? Because I won't be able to provide the look that I want to give my husband and being able to take his level of desire towards his wife to the next level? Or is my insecurities that are popping up that are being protective of what I believe is me and I am scared of loosing my perception of myself? I don't think I could ever go fully Goth, or maybe in time I will slowly move towards it? Or will I forever be envious of the desire of my husband towards Goth girls, but cannot give???

25th Birthday Preview

My hubby threw me a surprise birthday party and here is a preview::

















:

Busy Again

So the next couple of days are going to be PSYCHOOOOO!! Tomorrow is my 25th birthday which I am for the first time in awhile that I am actually excited for!! I am getting together with a friend at 5:45 and we are going to have some Starbucks and hang out!! Then they're coming over for some board games or something and just hang out!! It's going to be soo nice, and I am mostly happy that my hubby organized it!! I have always thought that people who plan their own birthday get togethers was always kinda cheesy, but that's just me!!! Then on Friday we are having lunch with my mom and dad and then having supper with another friend that evening, and then on Saturday is a surprise party for my second dad. WHEW!

I have been going through Yoga withdrawls lately, I want to get back full fledge into it. But, I am no where near in the shape I was in five years ago. Thankfully for muscle memory thought it won't take to long to get it back, but when you did something for a long time and you loved doing it and then when you go back into it again and you can't do the things you used to do, it's depressing!! I also want to go out and do a Yoga class with actual people, and socialize and actually have a teacher to fix my stances. I am not happy with the way my body currently looks, but the only thing a person can do is fix it instead of bitching about it right? I really need to watch the amount of junk that I eat too, but the intersting thing is though is that I don't eat a lot of it. Our new roommate keeps eating a lot of garbage and keeps wanting me to drink pop (which I really don't like to drink, and rarely drink) and I keep saying no or I don't like it. I eat a lot of fruits and veggies and well honestly a lot of salty things which I think is my biggest problem. So maybe I need to cut back on the amount of salt that I eat and maybe the pounds will come off with it. But then again, this is our culture is it not? You're not beautiful unless you are a certain weight, you look a certain way and you have no cellulite. Every woman has cellulite, I don't wear shorts because I have cellulite on the back on my thighs and I so self-concious about it. But in reality all woman have it, so why hide it? Because we're trying to be beautiful to those men who are shallow and only care about a piece of tail instead of the classy men who think that it's sexy that we don't give a shit what anyone else thinks of us? It's a catch 22, at least in my case I want to be good looking to everyone because I love that reinformance that I am beautiful and that someone at any given time is checking me out. What does this say about me?? That I am have alot of self-image issues, and I think by getting back into something that I do truly love and have a passion for and quite honestly I am damn good at. I hope to start tonight, and get back in tune with who I am and who I want to be, which is what Yoga gives me: My Inner Strength.

TOOOORRRNNNAAADDOOOO

Okay so the past couple of days have been a whirlwind of activity!!! On Thursday we took in a friend of ours because he and his wife are going through a really hard time, so we took him in and my husband had some work to do in Waterton so we all went to Waterton. It was so nice to get out of the city and be in nature again!!! Below is a picture that my friend took of the full moon in Waterton.

We were out there for most of the evening and then we went to Pincher Creek for a coffee and then we drove home from there. It was a lot of fun and we were able to help out a friend, and we didn't get into bed at least until 2:00. Then the next morning I was informed that we are going to have two more people come over from Winnipeg and they were going to spend the weekend with us. Which was AWESOME but very overwhelming and I am trying to figure out when the hell we got tobe popular!!! It is amazing to have everyone around, but I was feeling a little out numbered being around 4 guys and I am the only girl, one kinda feels like a piece of steak. But my 25th birthday is coming up and that should be interesting.!!!!