Lost

So last night we went to karaoke with my inlaws and friends of theirs and one other new guy. I think I only said 30 words last night, I was withdrawn and using my hair to hide. Normally in a social setting such as this would be very comfortable for me, but because we haven’t seen his family in so long I felt disconnected. Now, my relationship with my sister-in-law has always been a weird one. She is a bitch and really thinks of no one but herself, she is not a good person even though she claims to be. I just find myself withdrawing from everyone because I don’t want to be around people, I don’t want to deal with their problems or having to put on a face because that’s the proper thing to do. Fuck people. I am not the type of person who puts on a face because that’s the thing to do, if something is wrong people know; no grey. I hate grey and trying to figure out where I am with someone because they either can’t talk to me, if you can’t talk to me Fuck You. You’re not worth my time, my energy or anything. I love those who are close to me, it’s hard to get in that friendship/family circle but once you're in you never really leave. I just want to crawl into a ball and cover with a blanket and hide from the world. It’s a cruel place and I can’t deal with the cruel people in it, I am not strong enough right now to deal with them. I am not strong enough right now to put on a face and fake being happy go lucky and everything in my life is great. Things are not great, but I can’t tell you what’s wrong either. Logistically my life is great, and I have no reason to be this way. So this is what tells me I need to get a higher dosage of anti-depressants to help me out. I have been this way before, I withdraw from everyone, my family, my friends and I hide. I have never been the person to call my family every week and see how they are doing, because well they have shown me the initiative that they want to keep in contact with me either. My in-laws are well, there. But school took over, and I need to be supportive and keep on top of things with the house because the roommate was destroying everything about us. So I’m sorry that you were not my priority, I had other things to deal with and you were not part of that. Deal with it. I really should have attempted to be in contact, but I couldn’t do everything. There is no way that I could, and I don’t know if I want to go back to Karaoke. That is not fun to me. But ask me what I do enjoy? I don’t have an answer. I don’t have a hobby, I work, take care of the house, make dinner, sleep. Then do it all over again. Also, somewhere in there I do that stupid volunteer organization and curse them every time I have to deal with it. I hate that organization, so much. Sigh.

No wonder no one reads this blog anymore.  It’s all bull shit.