Lost

So last night we went to karaoke with my inlaws and friends of theirs and one other new guy. I think I only said 30 words last night, I was withdrawn and using my hair to hide. Normally in a social setting such as this would be very comfortable for me, but because we haven’t seen his family in so long I felt disconnected. Now, my relationship with my sister-in-law has always been a weird one. She is a bitch and really thinks of no one but herself, she is not a good person even though she claims to be. I just find myself withdrawing from everyone because I don’t want to be around people, I don’t want to deal with their problems or having to put on a face because that’s the proper thing to do. Fuck people. I am not the type of person who puts on a face because that’s the thing to do, if something is wrong people know; no grey. I hate grey and trying to figure out where I am with someone because they either can’t talk to me, if you can’t talk to me Fuck You. You’re not worth my time, my energy or anything. I love those who are close to me, it’s hard to get in that friendship/family circle but once you're in you never really leave. I just want to crawl into a ball and cover with a blanket and hide from the world. It’s a cruel place and I can’t deal with the cruel people in it, I am not strong enough right now to deal with them. I am not strong enough right now to put on a face and fake being happy go lucky and everything in my life is great. Things are not great, but I can’t tell you what’s wrong either. Logistically my life is great, and I have no reason to be this way. So this is what tells me I need to get a higher dosage of anti-depressants to help me out. I have been this way before, I withdraw from everyone, my family, my friends and I hide. I have never been the person to call my family every week and see how they are doing, because well they have shown me the initiative that they want to keep in contact with me either. My in-laws are well, there. But school took over, and I need to be supportive and keep on top of things with the house because the roommate was destroying everything about us. So I’m sorry that you were not my priority, I had other things to deal with and you were not part of that. Deal with it. I really should have attempted to be in contact, but I couldn’t do everything. There is no way that I could, and I don’t know if I want to go back to Karaoke. That is not fun to me. But ask me what I do enjoy? I don’t have an answer. I don’t have a hobby, I work, take care of the house, make dinner, sleep. Then do it all over again. Also, somewhere in there I do that stupid volunteer organization and curse them every time I have to deal with it. I hate that organization, so much. Sigh.

No wonder no one reads this blog anymore.  It’s all bull shit. 

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Slowly loosing my Sanity

What makes you happy? What makes you get out of bed every morning? Both of these questions I don't have an answer to. Things have been so stressful that I have forgotten what it's like to be truly happy, and to be honest I can't remember when I was. I wanna cry but I can't. I slowly feel my sanity slipping, when I make a mistake I slam my fist down and twitch. I had a co-worker approach me and told me that this is what she was like before she had a mental breakdown and was hospitalized. I don't want to get to that point, but I don't know how to bring myself back down to being myself again. I am thinking about going to my doctor about maybe going on stress leave until my vacation in December; but an opportunity at work is holding me back. I am sworn to secrecy until it has been announced in the library then I will post it here. I don't know what to do anymore, we received notice that our second roommate may be leaving us in January which means that we need to find another roommate. I want to start looking now because it is going to take time to fill that room and the sooner we start the sooner that room will get filled and we don't need to worry about the EXTRA financial stress. Because I need more stress in my life right now....The best part though is that we just bought about $500 worth of groceries because our stupid ass roommate keeps eating at least $250 in a week in a half. He's a big boy who needs alot of food. At least he is filling my vehicle right now otherwise we would be fucked and we just filled it up on Thursday and it's almost empty; this is how much this man is fucking us. I want him out of my life and for him to never enter it again. Someone who has no respect for me, my things or my property can get out of my life and honestly die. This sounds harsh, but my brain feels like it's going to explode, I can't expell any stress because anything that I try doesn't work. How much more can I take before I mentally crack? I am a strong person; but someone who is strong can only be strong for so long (heh that rhymed). The burnt toast that I remember being is funny, happy and makes others laugh. I was proud of who I was, not self loathing and anti-social. I am thankful for my husband who pushes me to go out and talk to people because they make me forget my problems and learn about someone else. We went to some friends house last night and it was soo amazing because I laughed so hard that my gut actually hurt. That was exactly what I needed, hot chocolate and a good girl talk (who would have thunk it!). Tonight I plan on watching the show "Castle" with my husband tonight, have a cup of tea (I hope I cry) and just try to keep my mental sanity.

What helps you to relax when you have no safe haven?

When will it be Enough??

So, here I am. About three weeks away from being almost roommate free. The man is still driving us crazy and I am still so stressed out that my father asked me if I was doing drugs (which I am not and have never done). But what the saving grace is that yesterday and the day before my husband and I were cuddling in front of a movie and kicked our roommate upstairs so we could enjoy each others company. Yesterday we went to my parents condo in town here and had dinner with them and then they went home to the farm and it allowed my hubby to have complete concentration on his school. Work for me has been hell, lsat week I was pulled into my bosses office twice because of small mistakes. Nothing astromical just me not paying attention, which sadly in my job results in big mistakes. Lately I have been wondering if I am cut out to be a supervisor, lately it seems that the staff are telling me what to do instead of the other way around. But on the flip side, doesn't that mean I trained them correctly?? It's hard being a supervisor and seeing people who you would love to be friends with, but they can't seem to take you out of that role after the clock is over. Which I can understand, I would never go and have coffee with the director. I am new to being a supervisor it really has only been three years and let's face it, my "role model" isn't the greatest. I don't agree with a lot of what she does and says, but at the same time though staff listen to her. It seems that staff talk back to me more, is it because A) they feel that they can talk to me and express how their feeling or B) they don't respect me at all and deem me incapable of doing my job. Yesterday I am on the desk with my trainee and a co-worker, she asked him for help and he helped her but then needed to ask me anyway. Now, we are all helping customers at this point, my thought was "why did you ask him, instead of your trainer?". I am thinking that I am totally overthinking this and just trying to worry about something!! I mean let's face it I don't have enough stress in my life, but when will it be enough that I just finally break? At least then I can be off work for stress leave, or have a nice padded room :)