Good Enough

Being a girl we are entitled to our bad, fat, ugly, sad, etc days. It seems for me that I always have fat/ugly weeks or months. Before my husband and I went on our honeymoon we went to a specialy bra store that has bathing suits that would fit my bust size (because I have large breasts, obviously) and the girl that was helping me was a total bitch. I don't understand why they have small girls that have no breasts in a specialty store, I mean screw you. I know I am not a tiny girl but by no means am I like 300 lbs. But this girl really made me feel like shit, she was putting me into ugly bathing suits that old women would wear. I tried on about five bathing suits before the stupid twit said that she didn't have anything else that would fit me. I changed, stormed out and I seriously cried my eyes out in my husbands arms for about 10 minutes. I felt so fat, so huge and I wanted nothing more than to disappear and I was saying very cruel things to myself. To be honest I have really never recovered from that. I am trying to be realistic that I have a husband who loves me, and that size REALLY doesn't matter. But a person gets so caught up in what "beauty" is that when one thing doesn't fit because they make the sizes for japenese girls with no boobs it's hard not to beat yourself up about it. I know that I could excercise and work out more so that the bust size would decrease. But to be honest, I have done the gym three times and I HATE HATE HATE HATE the gym. I would much rather climb a mountain, go for a six hour walk then be stuck in a building for 45 minutes. But regardless of how much excercise you do you still can't change the way your body looks, and I have talked to my husband about getting a breast reduction but I secretly wondering if that will really solve anything? I know it would make shopping for clothing alot easier, but is this really the root of the problem. I have never met anyone (or at least who has let it on) that dislikes them so deeply as much as I do. Honestly, I really don't like much about myself, because I know I could look better. I have always had the attitude don't ever stop growing, don't ever stop improving. So I guess by not being more active I feel like I am flat lining and not improving. I have alwas been like this and I am really trying hard to not be like this but I dread shopping for clothing because I am scared I will fall in love with something and then they won't have my size and it will look awful on me. I really wish to be more in style but sadly the style is geared towards girls with no boobs, and well I don't want to start shopping at specialty stores because those are once again geared towards little old ladies. Like seriously how can some of these girls who are bigger breasted than me find all of these cute clothes and bras and I always seem to strike out? A person can only be optimistic for so long when everything they try on doesn't fit and the lady helping you is quietly smiling. Bitch...